Not Expecting this one....

 October 3rd 2011
Sooo I know I haven't done this in a long long long long long time.
Well because of a shit ton of things that have happened.. Divorce, Love, Loss of Job, Trying to Find a Job,Loss of job again Yes its been ridiculously hard
So these past 4 days .. yes it sounds very short . I've been healthy, and dealing and happy, and loving,.... slightly annoyed at times but I always able to deal with the things that came my way.
AMAZING that my, love is so honest and he will except me threw thick and thin....

So today I went in to change my Birth control today at the regular Primary Phyicisan that I've gone to since I was 16..... Takes a while to come into the room for this usual thing and she hold two papers....

And says you have the pre cell formations of cervical cancer, aka displasia here is a referral to gynecologist  ....                                                                                                      When I was 19 I was diagnosed with the same thing 19... I had a a cryo surgery to freeze and kills the cells

6 years later.......... Its back

Who knows how bad... the last pap was in Aug 2010
Then the next was July 2011 and then they had the wrong effing "primary number" ... even though my primary  call was never my right number it was a random number I've never had... BUTTTT... THINK OF THAT??? OH MY DOESN'T EVERYONE USE CELLS NOW!! Why yes everyone does and that's the only number I use. And so does prob every american ,,,.So I just barely heard about it. Today!

So yay. Im gunna get shitty drunk cuz no one is here to hold me.

Then tomorrow. Due to my Dad and Gifford living its to herbs and homepathic I will be on strict diet , living, and working out... Plus the doctors notes.

Chapter 1

So here is the start.

For anyone to completely understand why I am, or how, or who I am. I first must tell them my history. And I'm sorry if it offends others, no real names will be used. But its going to be a big process of healing for me. So I am going to start with .........
Chapter 1.
And we will see what happens from there.



Sorry for the delay. :)

The awful truth hurt

My eyes burn from crying, my heart hurts from hurting, my head can think because it no longer thinks. And I've come to a stand point of nothingness. .. of not feeling anymore................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................                              

It kinda makes me sick to see all these people .. perfectly happy .. perfectly happy with how they are in life..
So it brings me to wonder.. Are they REALLY happy or really good liars? I must say I am brutally honest and almost cross the line of " to far" alot.. SO maybe I'm able to just see my faults and recognize them better than others . ... and its a overwhelming conception to know exactly whats wrong with you. But in no manner are able to fix it.

What type of eggs do you prefer?

So you all probably know the movie Runaway Bride and if you dont I'm sorry you wont understand this reference.
Well the reporter asks do you even know what kind of eggs do you prefer... and a slew of questions follow but the whole reason behind this is to help her find out why she is "almost " marrying three different men.
So I can see a horrible, but true resembelance  with this character.
So Ive decided to basically do a pro and con list of myself.. and any input is welcome...
Soooo
Type of eggs- Over medium.. ABSOLUTELY no white can be runny or else I get grossed out but the yolk has to be intact
..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
K.. I'm done with that .. Its bullpoop.. I know what I like and I know what I don't like .. And i'm pretty sure I've been like that since birth.. I can blame that attribute on my Aunt LaRee whom I've been named after and oddly taken after in alot of ways

Ok.. So here goes a " New Beginning"

If I had a dollar every time someone said " You just need to find yourself" I'd almost be a millionaire .. I am currently sitting on my computer , on the day that I've just finalized my divorce, My 3rd Divorce might I add .. at 25 years of age.. .....

And as I talk to all my elders, boyfriend and "wiser" family I hear the same thing over and over and over again... "You need to find yourself" 

.... Well shit ... I thought I knew who I was.. I am a strong woman that doesn't take crap from anyone, that takes a huge importance in family and loved ones. And I love my career even though it doesn't pay as much as I need . I don't sweat the small stuff and to me that is money, possessions , and materialistic things. But I do care about my family, my loved ones and their personal well being . Of course my children are first but, that love runs all the way to my extended family, girlfriends, and best guy friends. And as long as My children are loved , we have a roof over our head and have food then we are happy. 

I've never owned a expensive purse... and I don't care to 

                                 I'm sure I could find a puts willing to ... But that's not me.

Sooooo time to " Find myself" 

I will try to post EVERY day.... for everyone to see.. and have their input. Starting today . Shmee :)

First and ever blog . SSHMEEEE

I dont know how to really start this thing I have a tangled wonderful/horrible life... And I hate venting. But If this helps soemone or hits home then ive accomplished my goal. to better or make someone / anyone  know that they are not alone that i am dealing with demons right along side you. Then im game.

My name is Alina
Im 25 years old
I have three Kids
the ages are
7
4
2
.
Ive been divorced 2 and alomst three time