..

I'm sorry that there was about 5 different posts.. they have been from probably october till now..... just wasn't ready to share until now.. They have been drafts for so long

A Soul Growing up

So for the first time, ever in every single relationship I've had.. . I've never wanted something like this  . I dont want to cheat, I dont want another man to touch me. The is no intrigue, nor rush, nothing.. ( And I'm sorry but my past is not the best )...  But I just want him...
And he doesn't want me.. at least sexually he doesn't and I've never had that happen ever... I  want to make love to him I want to kiss him, on his back on his neck, all over ... But yet I find myself almost begging for sex  almost every night.. To only get the showing of love that I long for maybe twice a week..
I feel rejected
Ugly
Not good in bed
He no longer is attracted to me
Not pleasurable

I don't know how to say this problem without being played out to be a hussie.... but lets just say I'm amazing in bed and he is basically the only one that has EVER denied me...


After all this turmoil and tough childhood, and rough marriages, and divorces.. Why  or why... Do I have this man that I love so unconditionally that I will never ever cheat  or even think about kissing another man....., And he Not want me.

Welcome to depression.....

This new scary beginning.

......  ..... Insert a ....." I love my Life" ........ here.....
Life is fuckin hard
You make wrong choices
And sometimes .... You are at a loss of where your going....At
that time you have to breathe... and let the universe decide......

Not Expecting this one....

 October 3rd 2011
Sooo I know I haven't done this in a long long long long long time.
Well because of a shit ton of things that have happened.. Divorce, Love, Loss of Job, Trying to Find a Job,Loss of job again Yes its been ridiculously hard
So these past 4 days .. yes it sounds very short . I've been healthy, and dealing and happy, and loving,.... slightly annoyed at times but I always able to deal with the things that came my way.
AMAZING that my, love is so honest and he will except me threw thick and thin....

So today I went in to change my Birth control today at the regular Primary Phyicisan that I've gone to since I was 16..... Takes a while to come into the room for this usual thing and she hold two papers....

And says you have the pre cell formations of cervical cancer, aka displasia here is a referral to gynecologist  ....                                                                                                      When I was 19 I was diagnosed with the same thing 19... I had a a cryo surgery to freeze and kills the cells

6 years later.......... Its back

Who knows how bad... the last pap was in Aug 2010
Then the next was July 2011 and then they had the wrong effing "primary number" ... even though my primary  call was never my right number it was a random number I've never had... BUTTTT... THINK OF THAT??? OH MY DOESN'T EVERYONE USE CELLS NOW!! Why yes everyone does and that's the only number I use. And so does prob every american ,,,.So I just barely heard about it. Today!

So yay. Im gunna get shitty drunk cuz no one is here to hold me.

Then tomorrow. Due to my Dad and Gifford living its to herbs and homepathic I will be on strict diet , living, and working out... Plus the doctors notes.

Chapter 1

So here is the start.

For anyone to completely understand why I am, or how, or who I am. I first must tell them my history. And I'm sorry if it offends others, no real names will be used. But its going to be a big process of healing for me. So I am going to start with .........
Chapter 1.
And we will see what happens from there.



Sorry for the delay. :)